The Musings of a Terp Gone Deaf

Hi All! 

It has been a LONG time since I have posted and a LOT has happened. I am still married to an amazing man and have an amazing Abba God and that is about the only stable since my last post. We have since moved to South Carolina. I have definitely learned the healthcare system is the same everywhere, good healthCARE providers are hard to come by. Probably the most significant change has been the loss of my hearing. 

I recently reconnected with a friend from college who also knows the dealings of having a chronic illness and we have been able to share with each other and lift each other up before God and just pray, generally and specifically. While messaging with this friend we were going over the "perils" of being deaf in a hearing world. 

Before, I go on, this may be a post I do later but there have been many contributing factors to my hearing loss but thus the situation is in my "good" ear I am severe/profoundly deaf. Thus even with an extremely powerful hearing aid I get very little benefit. I have learned to much prefer the silence and let my hands do the talking... again the rest for another post, maybe.

Since losing my hearing I have had to learn the importance of choosing my battles. Which ones to fight because the law requires services to be provided and which to just press on and know the system is just flawed. In all of this, the day to day has been quite interesting. I have story, upon story, upon story of how hearing people just do not get it. (**Disclaimer: Let me say I use the term 'hearing' in a cultural supremacy term who view those of us with hearing loss or other different abilities as inferior, and sometimes incapable. Sometimes, I use it as a term of ignorance and sometimes plain lack of knowledge of how to deal with hearing loss). This is also where I got the title for this blog because going from being the interpreter (terp) to being on the consumer side has come with his share of frustrations, challenges, and just down right funny moments.

This friend has encouraged me to write a book, and though I know I could, many of my stories are universal to other d/Deaf/Hard-of-Hearing individuals so I've decided for now to blog them. As we were messaging back and forth last night the doorbell went off around 9pm. We weren't expecting anyone and normally I wouldn't answer the door but I decided to see what was going on. Thus, a small glance into world.

I opened the door and this woman was standing there and just stared at me. I got my phone out and typed "I'm deaf". She holds up a finger and goes digging through her purse, she pulls out a phone and shows me a picture of a teenage looking girl. I just shrug, because I don't know what the correlation is between this woman, the girl, and us/our house. The woman is just talking away. I tell her our address is similar to one a couple blocks over (we live on X Avenue and X Street address is often confused with us). This woman is STILL talking then finally turns and walks away. I'm still perplexed as to the woman's reasoning for showing up at my house and who the girl is/was. She has left so, I slowly close, lock, and deadbolt the door. I am hoping the girl is her daughter and she was just looking for her and got the wrong house but who knows. *SHRUG* 

These kinds of situations happen to me all the time. I tell someone I can't hear or I'm deaf and I usually get one of two responses; (most common) "can you read lips?"the answer to that will always be no, for various reasons, again another post for another day, or they just keep talking like what I've just informed them of did not compute. 

Another response I get, which is common for most people with hearing loss, is "Oh, I'm sorry!" This past Saturday I had a guy come up to me and I hadn't the slightest idea what he was saying so I, as usual, got out my phone and told him I was not being rude but I am Deaf so I just did not know what he was saying. He said something, not facing me so I couldn't even attempt to read his lips but the face gave away it was something of an "I'm sorry" and then went to hug me... PASS! I'm all about a good hug but not from a complete stranger. I was joking with a friend after telling her the situation that it came across almost like "let's hug your hearing back". 

Many more stories to come as time permits but I thought these two were good starters as a glimpse into my daily dealings with those who have the ability to hear.

Best,

Rebecca

Thankful for Mourning

I know my title may be a little confusing especially given this season we are in but I want to post an update on life, tell you a little of where my title came from and then end with why I chose to post these thoughts.

The biggest news of all is I earned my Mrs. degree two months ago. It was is an addition to my name that I will forever be thankful for. I love my husband and how he loves me so well through all we have been through this past year, or so, and been my physical rock to lean on while I have not had the strength to make myself go. Earlier this year after many years of struggling with a thyroid disorder and some concerning lab results my Endocrinologist decided it was time I see a surgeon to look at getting one (or multiple- we all have 4) malfunctioning parathyroid removed. To make a long story short the surgeon (after a long talk, discussion with my Endocrinologist, and lots prayer for several weeks) allowed me to make the decision to have my thyroid removed as well (it was going to have to be removed eventually anyway). After all of that there was some extra removal--- after some testing, words I never thought I would hear again, cancer. Thankfully, God allowed them to find it quickly and it had not spread anywhere else. So, currently Zach and I are learning what married life is like and how to love each other well. I love married life! I love my husband!

Recently, I heard a person speak on The Beatitudes (Matthew 5:2-12). Verse 4 states "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted". I heard this in a very nonconventional context. Ther person speaking was discussing the message that had been delivered at their wedding ceremony. Her father officiated the sermon and after reading this passage to them that in all of life that they would know what it is like to mourn so they can also know how amazing it is when the God we serve provides comfort. He stated that for each of the statements; to know what it is like to hunger and thirst so they also know what it is like when God provides fullness, and so on.

This year is the first time my husband (yes I still refer to him this way often because it still makes me feel giddy and excited to say it) and I will be having Thanksgiving with my dad's family since we lost my dad's middle sister (she was number 4 in the 6 Priest kid line up) to breast cancer. I miss her terribly, more than words in any way or language can express and to be quite honest I am not looking forward to this "celebration of being thankful" without her. I love each of my dad's siblings in their own way but she and I had a special bond like none other. I saw her picture posted by another aunt on Facebook and she looked healthy (or at least healthier than at the end). Today, as my day off, I was spending time cleaning my house and trying to get things in order I spent some time thinking about her and how much I really am going to Providential peace as I spend time with these people that I love but all remind me of her. Then, without another thought, I walked outside to feed Jax (one of our two dogs) and I saw this sunset.

I knew in that moment all is going to be ok and even when I have thoughts of mourning I have a God who provides comfort. I know I may not have it this weekend but he will provide because He is a good God and for that I am forever blessed. So for now I am going to remember I am clinging to the truth that my God is good and because of that I can be Thankful for Mourning.

Love to each of you,
Mrs. Robertson

Healing Comes in Many Forms

There's nothing more frustrating than running out of medicine. Especially medicine that keeps you from getting sick because of another medicine you take. I went to CVS yesterday to get meds that had been filled and had to go again tonight for new meds the dr called in today. Only to get home, get comfy and get a call from cvs saying I had another Rx ready to be picked up. Unfortunately, I couldn't escape this one and wait until tomorrow because I was out and I don't want to be sick all night because I didn't have my medicine. 

Since surgery I've tried so hard to stay on top of my meds by making sure everything is filled when it needs to be (even when I was doped up on pain meds somehow I managed). Even then, more meds have been added while others were discontinued so trying to stay on top of that has been a challenge. 

Today was day 1 of my full return back to work and I'm exhausted. There have been many days, even before all of this but even more lately where I wish I could just stay at home. 

My utopia, or idea of such a place, doesn't include a healthy perfect body--that's not me. Plus, I wouldn't know what to do without some pain. But, it does include the ability to stay home and have better self care than what I currently have. I'm constantly exhausted. I have 2 baskets of clean laundry that I did last week but have yet to find the energy to fold or even put them away. 

I went this past weekend, Friday night (April 17, 2015), with some friends and got a tattoo. I've alway talked about it and had ideas in my head about what I wanted but due to this current season of life the timing very much felt right. It was so freeing. To me it's a statement that says "the world of cancer and that it includes is a PART of me it doesn't define ALL of who I am!" Yes, it is a big part but still only a part. 

Knowing this is only day 1 back full time and I have a lot ahead of me I guess I better go to sleep and try to rest.

(Added 4/30/15) 

After having this permanent marking on my body for a couple of weeks I have found myself having more conversations about cancer this time and how it is very different. But, also, how freeing it is to be able to say with confidence Yes, I have had cancer three times in the past almost 20 years of my life and unfortunately it has consumed much of my time but it has allowed me to experience life so much differently than my peers who have not lived in the "cancer world". This is, like I said earlier, a part of me and what makes me who I am. However, my identity isn't in what the blood results show or don't show. Or what they find in surgery. Or how many medications I take and why I take them but realizing ultimately my identity is found in who God has created me to be- His Daughter, the one He has allowed to live another day to praise Him! 

Blessings,

Rebecca

Tattoo:

From Comp 101 to Cancer 101

As I lay here with his arm laying behind my neck probably unaware but to me being a sentiment of love. Knowing or maybe not being cognizant at all of this but I love when he cuddles and this helps my neck feel better. I just lay silent for a brief moment and take it all in. This is my reality. I listen to the dull, rhythmic snores of the man who has asked me to join in life’s journeys together. I can't help but think how beautiful this fleeting moment in time is and in the years to come how many more times this will be my life. Oh! Be still my heart. 

The pain is pretty noticeably sharp but just dull enough (meds are kicking in) for my thoughts to begin to drift back to August 2007, Dr. Theado’s Composition 101 Freshman course. I don’t remember when I first really noticed anyone in the class, except the cute boy that sat in the row beside mine. I looked around the room and studied faces. I got a smile from one student. She sat on the opposite side of the room from me, but I remember her smile and how I had no idea who she was and nor she knew me. There was a bright countenance about her, and never without a smile on her face. 

I remember later that day thinking this is the real college life, developing connections to people and their lives and whether or not the connection is just knowing someone's name or much deeper by becoming their best friend. I don’t remember exactly when but at some moment in that class I knew Gardner-Webb would be more than a 4 year (well, 5 for me) stop on my road of life, this community would hold a deeper place in my heart than I could have imagined. 

She and I don't speak on any sort of a regular basis but as soon as I heard the news, my heart sank into the pit of my stomach knowing all too well this road she was about to embark upon, it is a road that I have walked many times; myself and with others. I think about this always smiling woman, now 18 weeks pregnant, 2.5 hours away, fighting for her life (where all the cancer and healthy cells are destroyed so her body knows not the ability to keep replicating the cancer (or "bad cells”). I think about the life of her unborn baby boy, with her husband by her side. She, if not having chemo side effects, is probably wishing she were in her own bed with her loving husband asleep or just enjoying life outside of this new "home" of hers for the next several weeks. As I push tears away and memories fill my mind I remind myself, be still my heart.

My thoughts rather quickly turn back to what I am feeling as the pain intensifies from what was supposed to be a quick surgery with a max 1 week recovery (this is week four). However, God had other plans for my surgery and basically this entire month of my life. The morning of surgery (March 9) at approximately 0700 I made what would turn out to be a life altering decision. 

I had gone in to get prepped for what would be a parathyroidectomy and exploratory surgery of the other 3 parathyroid glands to find out where the malfunction was emanating. The surgeon walked in and asked if I wanted my thyroid out too. Now understand, I knew this was a possibility before this day but my surgeon and my endocrinologist were supposed to have made the decision about its removal or not prior to this morning. He walks in and says it's ultimately my decision…Panic mode! How do you make the right decision in just this moment and know whatever the outcome I have to be content with what I decide. PLEASE, BE STILL MY HEART! 

I don't want to be at the hospital to begin with, this is supposed to be my spring break from work (perks of working in education) relaxing and recovering for my return the following week. I really need this break and time off to rest. 

Instead, if you know me at all you know I have done my research and questioned the doctor until there are no more possible questions to be asked. I've really already weighed the pros and the cons but this wasn't supposed to be a decision I was going to have to make for myself. So, I turn to what I know and say a quick prayer for guidance. I look at my mom, who has has been my rock through all of my medical journeys, and says, “You know what you want. You make the decision and I'll support you.” I, then, turn and look at my fiancé, who is new to this world of medicine, illness, doctors, appointments and me feeling bad. He tells me it's my decision, and finally I look to my surgeon whom I've only met a month or so prior but knowing I was in good hands and feeling content with my answer (knowing God had given me peace about my decision) I opted to have my thyroid completely removed. In that moment ultimate, incomprehensible peace, my heart is stilled.

I said my “see you laters" to everyone (my best friend for life and better half, my mom, and my dad) and off I’m rolled down and around some hallways into the cold, sterile room for what would be a surgery of which I could have never predicted the outcome. Now, there is no being still of my heart, i’m in complete surrender to this team of professionals and ultimately the Lord to guide their hands and making sure they are making the best decisions possible…and off I go to anesthesia land. 

The only thing I distinctly remember from the rest of that day was the surgeon coming in and saying I had made a good decision with the thyroid removal…then cue the Charlie Brown teacher talking wanh, wanh, wanh…something about cancer…more wanh wanh …off to sleep I went again. My heart ever being stilled by pain medicine, anesthesia, and trust in my Great Physician.

I kind of remember that night someone from food services coming in and bringing something that the smell alone made me want to send him back never to enter my room again but I waited until he left and asked my mom to promptly remove the food. With my medical history I can honestly say I have NOT eaten my fair share of hospital food. I just can't tolerate it. This time… please be still my stomach.

I do remember my fiancé's mom, sister, and nephew being there at some point. What a way for my parents to meet this part of his family! One day it could make for a good story, for now I hate they had to meet that way. 

The surgeon came in the next morning and said I had definitely made the right decision, they found Cancer. (I had been reassured prior to surgery there was nothing to worry about there was no danger of cancer all labs, and scans told them I was in the clear there). So…wait…what?!?…but you said…before that…maybe this is the drugs and I'm really delusional… oh yea he is still talking I should pay attention. But, he just said the “C” word. I've already been told this twice and I think even in my very medicated mental state there is no way I have this dreadful "thing" again! He says they felt they got it all and I should be fine but I should stay an extra day to make sure other levels were closer to a safe level before I go home. Be Still My Heart and don’t you dare shed a tear!

Now, four weeks later, I am home able to sleep in my own bed… if I can find a comfortable spot… and actually sleep. If not, the couch it is. For now, I wait to go back to my Endocrinologist and figure out the next step of making me cancer free, again. 

My thoughts have quickly transitioned back to this precious lady and her small but growing family. I can't imagine being the age I am now and just hearing those words for the first time, I'm not sure I could handle it. She, however, has stayed so positive even through this first round of chemo. I had the chance to chat with her for a short time last week and share part of my story with her. But, who knew our lives would go from Composition 101 to Cancer 101 after so many years and life events. I think diligently and take each moment as it comes to dwell on life as a two time cancer survivor, turned cancer patient again. Oh these memories that flood my mind and so many to share but for now as my emotions start to creep out of eyes I remind myself, OH! BE STILL MY HEART... God is still in control!

Blessings,

Rebecca

Tears of Joy and Sadness

Hey Everyone,
Today was one of the harder days of this week, emotionally. As the week begins to draw to a close knowing I am one day closer to leaving is getting much harder. We started our day off by going to the school and saying our last good-byes and getting pictures but our bus driver thought we were going straight to Valley of the Angels so he turned the wrong way and by the time we got to the school it was too late to take group pictures and stuff. I did get to spend some good time with my kids just watching them learn and of course I got some pictures. It was so hard to actually walk away knowing this could very well be the last time I could see them. But the time came and after some tears and great hugs I said goodbye.

After leaving the school we headed to the high school and picked up the kids then headed off to Valley of the Angels. I was warned earlier in the week to take some Dramamine before we left and I was so glad I did. The ride was about 30 mins or so but we went up a mountain and the roads were kind of scary. Once we were there we did some looking around and some shopping. After we left the second store these guys approached Savannah and I, which was kind of creepy, but then signed "Are you Deaf?". It turned out there was a guy in their group, Kevin, who is deaf and they wanted us to meet him. They were a group of students from the University of Georgia on a missions trip. It's so crazy how God works these things out. We then went to lunch and their group showed up a little after ours. Kevin ate with us and we got to know him. It was really neat how it all happened.

We had a little while after lunch to shop and doing some looking around, so we did then we packed up with all our belongings and started the trek down the mountain. On the bus ride back to the high school the girl sitting beside me, Katerine, who has multiple disabilities started having a seizure. Having worked in the medical field and had training and experience I knew what to do so I was able to remain calm and after about 30 seconds it was over. I am even more convinced that God has a purpose for everything. Had I never experienced someone having a seizure I would have, like anyone else sitting on the bus, more than likely been a little freaked out.

I was impressed and slightly taken back when one of the other kids asked what was wrong with her, Larry responded with there is nothing wrong she is exactly the way God made her and that was the end of that discussion. He was right. So many times when we see something different about someone or they aren't "normal" we think there is something wrong with that but God doesn't make mistakes. We are all exactly how we are supposed to be.

After we got back it was dinner time and the NLDM deaf ministry team came and then they had a meeting so we took care of the kids again. After the meeting Aura spoke to our team about the new Bible Translation project in Honduras she is working on. Honduras does not have a standardized sign language so the LESHO we learned will likely not be understood in other parts of the country. She is working extremely hard with other deaf all over the country of Honduras to make the Bible accessible to all deaf in Honduras.

Stay tuned for more news from Friday.

Blessings,
Rebecca

It's halfway over

Yet another wonderful day! Today I got a warm shower which hasn't happened since I've been here and probably won't happen again. Although, I have to say having cold showers for the past few days has really helped me limit my time in the bathroom spent getting ready in the morning.

After breakfast we headed to Manos Felices for yet another fun day of Bible School, this time with 1,2,3,&4 graders. Stephanie and Lizzie taught their lesson on Moses as a baby and also with the Red Sea. The kids seem to really enjoy everything and they understood which really helped.

I realized today how attached I've grown close to the kids in "my class". As soon as we walked in this morning Samuel, the little boy I was having problems with but really connected with yesterday, ran up to me and gave me a hug... my heart melted. I can't imagine what it is like for them to get so close to us and have to say goodbye. Then over and over again to other mission teams because I know how hard it is for me to think about leaving them. I really don't want to leave these kids and the wonderful people we've met this week even if it is to go back to school for just a short time more.

After school today, Bob, one of our group leaders taught a workshop for the teachers at the school so we had some time to hang out so after updating my blog (as you can tell I'm a few days behind) and then played soccer with Kevin, one of the kids from the school. I can I may not be as good as him but I sure did have fun playing and we beat Rachel and Lizzie, 4-1. Then we came back to the high school and hung out until Aura came and Rachel and I made cookies, which turned out really good.

After we all ate dinner Melvin, the pastor from NLDM, and his wife Wendy shared with us. Wendy shared her testimony. She started off by saying that all the glory goes to God (Dios) and her life truly reflects that God works all things together for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. She didn't learn language until she was 10 and later received Christ as her Savior. She now has a wonderful husband and a 19 month old. God is really blessing them and the work they are doing here in Tegus. As hard as it has been to hear some of the stories of the people here I am so glad God has placed the wonderful people here in the positions of ministry to be able to reach out to the very much in need Deaf community here. I just pray more people come to know him here and can learn to take on some of the blessing of sharing the responsibility that is needed here.

Blessings,
Rebecca

Communication with No Language

Today was quite an adventure to say the least. I've never been so overwhelmed in my life. I thought when we were planning things out we would at least have a language basis to work with... wrong! Telling kids a story who have no language to understand it with is extremely difficult. But working with kids who know a little AND those who know nothing is even more of a challenge because you have to make sure you match everyone's language level. I didn't get to have my quiet time this morning because I get in the shower when Rachel gets out and I had kitchen duty today so as soon as I got out of the shower I had to get ready and go get breakfast ready. Although, it was totally my fault because I could have gotten up earlier and started off more on the right foot. I was extremely stressed but I've made it through the day in one piece. :)

I do have a really great report to give. I got to connect with Samuel today. He was the little boy, yesterday, I had a struggle with and ended up having to hold down. He started off by not being so sure of me as well as the rest of the group but he started to warm up to me after a little while. We got really close during the day he would always come up to me when we were working on different projects and make sure I saw the good job he was doing and tell me important things like what Colorado something was because when that's one of the few things you know really well you want to make sure people know you understand.

After school we talked to some of the teachers and waited around for the bus. It finally came a little after 4:00 and we went back to the high school and hung out, slept, or talked until around 5:30 then we left to go to dinner. We ate at the Honduran equivalent to Bojangles (YUM) with Christy, Lily (Christy's daughter), Larry, Aura, and Carolina (Larry and Aura's daughter). We then took a trip to see the city lights which was amazing. I've never seen anything like it.

On the ride to go see the lights we passed the American embassy. It was one of the worst things I've ever seen. It was HUGE. I was absolutely disgusted and embarrassed to be an American. The poverty I've seen this week could have a least been somewhat helped if those who live in the embassy would be willing to give up a little. I could go on and on about how this makes my blood boil but ranting doesn't do anyone any good but I do have to say I really hope that stays with me and makes me think the next time I complain about anything.

I got to lead the devotion tonight and I based it on Galatians 2:20. I spoke on how we shouldn't be seen when people look at us, but Christ should be seen dwelling in the bodies we inhabit while on this earth. I want this to be me. I want people to think of how much I love Jesus first when they think of me. The other things can follow but I want Him to trump it all!

Blessings,
Rebecca