As I lay here with his arm laying behind my neck probably unaware but to me being a sentiment of love. Knowing or maybe not being cognizant at all of this but I love when he cuddles and this helps my neck feel better. I just lay silent for a brief moment and take it all in. This is my reality. I listen to the dull, rhythmic snores of the man who has asked me to join in life’s journeys together. I can't help but think how beautiful this fleeting moment in time is and in the years to come how many more times this will be my life. Oh! Be still my heart.
The pain is pretty noticeably sharp but just dull enough (meds are kicking in) for my thoughts to begin to drift back to August 2007, Dr. Theado’s Composition 101 Freshman course. I don’t remember when I first really noticed anyone in the class, except the cute boy that sat in the row beside mine. I looked around the room and studied faces. I got a smile from one student. She sat on the opposite side of the room from me, but I remember her smile and how I had no idea who she was and nor she knew me. There was a bright countenance about her, and never without a smile on her face.
I remember later that day thinking this is the real college life, developing connections to people and their lives and whether or not the connection is just knowing someone's name or much deeper by becoming their best friend. I don’t remember exactly when but at some moment in that class I knew Gardner-Webb would be more than a 4 year (well, 5 for me) stop on my road of life, this community would hold a deeper place in my heart than I could have imagined.
She and I don't speak on any sort of a regular basis but as soon as I heard the news, my heart sank into the pit of my stomach knowing all too well this road she was about to embark upon, it is a road that I have walked many times; myself and with others. I think about this always smiling woman, now 18 weeks pregnant, 2.5 hours away, fighting for her life (where all the cancer and healthy cells are destroyed so her body knows not the ability to keep replicating the cancer (or "bad cells”). I think about the life of her unborn baby boy, with her husband by her side. She, if not having chemo side effects, is probably wishing she were in her own bed with her loving husband asleep or just enjoying life outside of this new "home" of hers for the next several weeks. As I push tears away and memories fill my mind I remind myself, be still my heart.
My thoughts rather quickly turn back to what I am feeling as the pain intensifies from what was supposed to be a quick surgery with a max 1 week recovery (this is week four). However, God had other plans for my surgery and basically this entire month of my life. The morning of surgery (March 9) at approximately 0700 I made what would turn out to be a life altering decision.
I had gone in to get prepped for what would be a parathyroidectomy and exploratory surgery of the other 3 parathyroid glands to find out where the malfunction was emanating. The surgeon walked in and asked if I wanted my thyroid out too. Now understand, I knew this was a possibility before this day but my surgeon and my endocrinologist were supposed to have made the decision about its removal or not prior to this morning. He walks in and says it's ultimately my decision…Panic mode! How do you make the right decision in just this moment and know whatever the outcome I have to be content with what I decide. PLEASE, BE STILL MY HEART!
I don't want to be at the hospital to begin with, this is supposed to be my spring break from work (perks of working in education) relaxing and recovering for my return the following week. I really need this break and time off to rest.
Instead, if you know me at all you know I have done my research and questioned the doctor until there are no more possible questions to be asked. I've really already weighed the pros and the cons but this wasn't supposed to be a decision I was going to have to make for myself. So, I turn to what I know and say a quick prayer for guidance. I look at my mom, who has has been my rock through all of my medical journeys, and says, “You know what you want. You make the decision and I'll support you.” I, then, turn and look at my fiancé, who is new to this world of medicine, illness, doctors, appointments and me feeling bad. He tells me it's my decision, and finally I look to my surgeon whom I've only met a month or so prior but knowing I was in good hands and feeling content with my answer (knowing God had given me peace about my decision) I opted to have my thyroid completely removed. In that moment ultimate, incomprehensible peace, my heart is stilled.
I said my “see you laters" to everyone (my best friend for life and better half, my mom, and my dad) and off I’m rolled down and around some hallways into the cold, sterile room for what would be a surgery of which I could have never predicted the outcome. Now, there is no being still of my heart, i’m in complete surrender to this team of professionals and ultimately the Lord to guide their hands and making sure they are making the best decisions possible…and off I go to anesthesia land.
The only thing I distinctly remember from the rest of that day was the surgeon coming in and saying I had made a good decision with the thyroid removal…then cue the Charlie Brown teacher talking wanh, wanh, wanh…something about cancer…more wanh wanh …off to sleep I went again. My heart ever being stilled by pain medicine, anesthesia, and trust in my Great Physician.
I kind of remember that night someone from food services coming in and bringing something that the smell alone made me want to send him back never to enter my room again but I waited until he left and asked my mom to promptly remove the food. With my medical history I can honestly say I have NOT eaten my fair share of hospital food. I just can't tolerate it. This time… please be still my stomach.
I do remember my fiancé's mom, sister, and nephew being there at some point. What a way for my parents to meet this part of his family! One day it could make for a good story, for now I hate they had to meet that way.
The surgeon came in the next morning and said I had definitely made the right decision, they found Cancer. (I had been reassured prior to surgery there was nothing to worry about there was no danger of cancer all labs, and scans told them I was in the clear there). So…wait…what?!?…but you said…before that…maybe this is the drugs and I'm really delusional… oh yea he is still talking I should pay attention. But, he just said the “C” word. I've already been told this twice and I think even in my very medicated mental state there is no way I have this dreadful "thing" again! He says they felt they got it all and I should be fine but I should stay an extra day to make sure other levels were closer to a safe level before I go home. Be Still My Heart and don’t you dare shed a tear!
Now, four weeks later, I am home able to sleep in my own bed… if I can find a comfortable spot… and actually sleep. If not, the couch it is. For now, I wait to go back to my Endocrinologist and figure out the next step of making me cancer free, again.
My thoughts have quickly transitioned back to this precious lady and her small but growing family. I can't imagine being the age I am now and just hearing those words for the first time, I'm not sure I could handle it. She, however, has stayed so positive even through this first round of chemo. I had the chance to chat with her for a short time last week and share part of my story with her. But, who knew our lives would go from Composition 101 to Cancer 101 after so many years and life events. I think diligently and take each moment as it comes to dwell on life as a two time cancer survivor, turned cancer patient again. Oh these memories that flood my mind and so many to share but for now as my emotions start to creep out of eyes I remind myself, OH! BE STILL MY HEART... God is still in control!
Blessings,
Rebecca
